suki_blue | Warning: Suki crosses the line ...

Cock, wank, fuck and arse.

Warning: This post contains words of an adult nature that might offend children, the elderly, school teachers, the milkman, and the nice woman who always serves me at the express checkout in Sainsburys. i.e Cock, wank, fuck and arse.

More fuck words are expected shortly so please adjust your seatbelts and turn off all ipods.

Please note, as the author of this post I take full responsibility for the woes of the world, which include offensive online material, famine, the price of fish, bad spelling, and grammar which is far too American considering I'm English.

If you are under the age of 1085, this journal will self-destruct within 10 seconds. If you get as far as posting a comment to me, you will be instantly transported to one of Saturn's moons, where there is no air and many flies.

I reserve the right to freedom of speech, freedom to have an opinion and freedom to rob a bank without being caught.

No offence is meant by this post. The author of this post is not angry, merely irritated by a company intent on making mountains out of molehills. The author is quite willing to receive a custard pie in the face for her trouble, but it better fucking cum with a side order of explicit porn.

Please wash this post at 42 degrees and dry flat. Do not iron. Extreme hotness may cause hardening of the arteries. Flag me and die. The internet was made for porn.

I like big dicks. At least, I always seem to end up with them.

Gay porn is healthy. Gay porn won't put hairs on your chest, but it will give you better eyesight and stronger teeth. Your dental problems are over, friends! Give your contacts to the dog!

Long live smut, porn, hot guys who do each other, and technology that makes everything smaller.

Go forth and wank. And I mean that in the British sense: Masturbate.

Do not feed the animals; they may bite, claw, spit or, worse, force you to listen to Cliff Richard. Stay behind the yellow line. Mind the gap. Don't shop at the Gap or you'll all end up looking the same. Everyone should have an Avon Lady; it'll save on postage. Richard Branson must fuck up eventually. The Labour Party is not what we thought.

Guns are hot and I love the smell of incest in the mornings. Serial killers make me wet. Bruce Wayne probably did interfere with his 12-year-old charge. Small Ethiopian children should be put in a pot and boiled. Cat's ears are a delicacy that I enjoy on a daily basis. The internet is evil. Vibrators aren't enough; a pneumatic drill is much more up my alley.

I sexually assault rabbits.

Cocks are nice but I prefer hens. Snot makes interesting lubricant. Never leave a fire attended. Do not admit to adultery. Learn the ropes or bondage will be difficult. You are my master.

Elderly people and women with buggies, who shop during lunchtime hours, should be shot. The next man that sits next to me on a bus and opens his legs like a giant pair of scissors is going to get his bollocks cut off. Public paths should never be blocked with roadworks – strangely, people still need to walk on them; it’s called getting from A-B.

Van and lorry drivers who beep at me while I’m at the bus stop will become cockroaches in their next life.

No smoking, no talking, no eating, no breathing too hard, no scratching, no sniffing, no being able to afford a fucking mortgage even though I’ve worked so hard and never claimed benefits. No entry, no exit, no dying until I say so, and feel free to drop dead if you can’t make it into the doctor’s surgery because you had the cheek to get old. No disabled access, no cheating, no needing anything, no yearly bonus, no pay rise, no fucking respect, no Christmas card, no lunch, no way, no how, no buggery.

Place baby in oven at gas mark 5. Adjust for fan assisted ovens. Defrost thoroughly and ensure piping hot. Do not remove the plastic film or porn might escape. Microwave twins on High until you hear a wet splat. Embryo sex is the next big thing; someone start a comm!

Never tell anyone your password or you’ll be doomed to an eternal hell of my choosing. God is debateable but try telling that to the extremists and see how many lashes you get.

If you see a woman strike her child in public, please feel free to cave her face in. Benefit fraudsters should get the electric chair.

I love Rolf Harris.

The McCanns are guilty. I want to try Haggis. Black pudding rules. Father Christmas is real but he’s a heroin addict. Where are all my socks? Screw A fits in panel B which connects to tube C.

Buffy and Angel were a doomed couple from the start. John and Rodney are most definitely fucking. Spike tops. Harry and Draco were banned from the broom cupboards. Dumbledore is fucking gay whether you pussies like it or not.

Haughty people annoy me. Nosey people annoy me. Manipulative people annoy me. I annoy me. Biggins is love. I’d do anything for Dairylea. I love America!

People who spit should be lined up and kicked to death. Cruelty to animals should be punishable by swordfish.

Time is wasting. Karma never happens. Stoop bloody whinging. The secret to a successful jigsaw puzzle is to do the end bits first.

Inflammable, inflammable, inflammable! Learn the word! ‘A lot’ is two words not one. Don’t criticise. Don’t be pedantic. Don’t be pessimistic. Don’t be patronising. Do be perverted.

A sense of humour never killed. Except for the clown who died of a heart attack during a performance. But his shoes were too small and his nose wasn’t even red, so it was no great loss.

Eat less. Eat more. Exercise but don’t use up your heartbeats all in one go. Don’t forget to walk the dog. Love and be loved. Love and get trodden on. If a guy cheats, tell all your friends his penis doesn’t even touch the sides, although be careful because that may also look bad for you.

I aim to offend and welcome offensive comments.

Disclaimer: It wasn’t me.

Current Mood: Jolly

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

ladyvirgo1956.livejournal.com

That was absolutely fucking hilarious. You are so funny. If it wasn't you then who wrote this. You really pushed the edge with this one. As Spike would say "You tell'em luv. Those wankers deserved ev'ry bit of what you said."

From:

Ding!

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