RL Stuff

[suki_blue]

Two days until me and the gang fly off to writercon and I'm soooooo not prepared in the slightest. It really is going to be a matter of shoving stuff into a suitcase the night before and pitching up at the airport half asleep. Weirdly, I used to be an organised person and now I often wonder when it was that I crossed the line from prompt, punctual and fairly organised over to late, unprepared and totally useless.

I should be doing chores right now. I should be preparing the house for my 10 day absense. But instead I'm slobbing and doing nought at all. Actually, I feel very tired today. I went to bed at a resonable time and woke up at 11.30, so I really shouldn't be tired at all. But I am. Plus, I have a headache and I'm feeling a little bit sick. The headache is because of the sleeping thing and the sicky thing I think is becasue I just ate even though I wasn't hungry.

Grandad is really bringing me down at the moment. A few months ago we had a massive confrontation about my holiday because he didn't want me to go and he was being very selfish about it. I know he's old and I know that he's only got me to take care of him and entertain him, but at 30 years old I need some sort of life and when it got to the stage that it's still at now where I'm made to feel that I can't go to bed when I want, get up when I want, use my computer or my own fucking mobile phone when i want, it sends me climbing up the crazy tree. It's a very claustrophobic situation and one that there is no way out of. So, anyway, I digressed, he started to get over the holiday thing and started to get onboard with the idea of me going away and having a break (even gave me $200.00) but slowly over the last two weeks we've slipped back.

Grandad is barely talking to me now. He's always miserable and he won't start up a conversation with me and when I talk to him he just about grunts out a response. He stalks around in the middle of the night, mutters to himself continually and this morning I came down to find him just staring at the TV which was off. The fact that he was doing that is a sure sign that he's about to go of his trolly. The whole thing is so draining and it makes me feel more and more bitter towards him. Why the fuck do I bother with the old bastard? No-one else does. Why has it all fallen down to me? I'm just one person and all I'm asking is to be able to go through my life relatively happy. I don't have much of a social life anymore because it isn't worth his tantrums everytime I go out. Don't get me wrong, I am a solitary person anyway, but I would like to visit my close friends without The Fear.

This will be my last holiday while my Grandad is living. I can't go through this again. It's too much. And it makes me wish he was dead because I can't stand living like this anymore.

Comments

[authoressnebula.livejournal.com]

*hughughug* I'm so sorry sweetie. I wish I knew the right thing to say to make you feel better, but I really don't, except that you're a good person, and we love you muches. You should enjoy WriterCon. *hugs again*

~Nebula

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darling. There really isn't anything anyone can say to make things better, but thanks so mcuh for the hugs. I really am looking forward to Writercon. It will be wonderful to get away. I just wish things at home were better

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetheart! He is just so wrong! Age and infirmity are no excuse for trying to drain the life right out of you! I wish I had advice or help to offer. But I don't. What I do have to offer is support and friendship and the most sincere wishes for you to have a wonderful, glorious time at Writercon! Hug Kitty for me! And HAVE FUN!!! That's an order! (hee)

:::hugs you tightly:::


Gabrielle

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, luv ~hugs~ Grandad has always been a very selfish person in many ways. If he thinks he's hard done by then he seems to think all those around him should feel the same pain. Unfortunately the only person around him now is me, and I can't help but wonder if the reason for that is because everyone else got wise and fucked off when they got the chance

I definitely will have fun! I saw program on Sky Travel today about Vegas so I'm extra excited now. I'll give Kitty the biggest hugs for you.

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

Seems to me that you're likely correct. Everyone else bailed. It's not fair, though, that you are left to bear the whole burden alone!

I almost wish I still lived in Vegas so I could meet you guys!


Gabrielle

[vic-amy-z.livejournal.com]

[hugs]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on your own. I know it's easy for me to say this, but you should try not to let this spoil your holiday - you're entitled to this time for yourself, and we're going to have a really good time.

I really hope things improve for you soon, sweetie. [more hugs]

See you very, very soon...

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie. I'll be fine. Just every once in a while it gets me down.

I can't wait for the holiday to begin. I just need to get over the inner panic that I'm gonna forget something vital. Eeep. I can't wait for Vegas. I think I'm looking forward to that even more than Writercon. Hee!

See you soon!!

[vic-amy-z.livejournal.com]

I just need to get over the inner panic that I'm gonna forget something vital.

Oh me too! My new mantra is 'We're not going to Outer Mongolia. America is a civilised country - if I forget it, I can buy it there...'

Also: Vegas Baby!

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

Goddamn, I hate it when other people are like this. You say that you won't have another holiday, honey, you are letting him ruin it for you and control you. Don't let him do that! You do deserve a life and rest. He's being abusive with this behavior.

Yeah, I know it's hard for you since you live with him, and he's obviously really putting you through it, but I lived with a very controlling parent for a long time, and I see the signs.

Be happy you are going. Don't let him ruin that and don't tell yourself it's the last time! You deserve a break. Everyone does. *hugs*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

He's always been this way. He always wants his own way and when he doesn't get it he's like a spoiled child. But I'm one of these people that really gets affected by the behavior of others and then I get paranoid about myself and I think it's all my fault. We're a bad combination really.

I really don't think I can go on long holiday again, the stress is just too much. But I'm going on this one and I damn well intend to enjoy it like it is my last!!

~hugs~

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wish I could help. Seriously, dude, at least you aren't a stepford wife. I had a really close on line friend with a husband like your grandfather. She went all stepford wife. It's really sad to see that happen to someone so cool.

So, just FYI. I actually have a personal lj. Sexy is just my fic lj now. If you want, you are welcome to friend jans_sanctuary since that's personal posts.

I hope you have a great time!

[amejisuto.livejournal.com]

~huggles~

I love you darlin. I'm sorry he's giving you problems. He's probably scared. I mean, if something happened to you what would happen to him? Or maybe he's scared that you're not going to come back. I dunno love. I don't know what to say. I just know that you're doing your best and your gonna make it in time. I have faith in you.

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, luv. I love you too. He is scared, that is right. And mostly he knows he's gonna be lonely. For me, ten whole days without speaking to another person is heaven, for him it's hell.

Don't worry about me, though. I'm just fretting. ~hugs~

[amejisuto.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Mom's like that. I can go a month or two without talking but Mom can't go more than a couple of hours. Hey, maybe you could get him a pen pal or someone to talk to? I mean, it's short notice now but maybe there's a senior center you can start him in when you get back and then he'd have something to do.

You'll be okay love. ~HUGGLES!~

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

No, no, he won't talk to other 'oldies'. He has nothing in common with them. He likes to talk about Big Brother and Kylie and the lastest horror film or even Buffy. He's like me in that he's a big kid, but unfortunately a very talkative one usually. I'm just like you, I can be more than happy not speaking to anyone for a long period of time.

The only good thing is that Big Balls is going to visit every few days to see to my cats and sit with Grandad for a chat and a cup of tea.

[amejisuto.livejournal.com]

AWww! That's nice of BB. And that'll help. If I wasn't so far away I'd look in on him too.

[sasha-anu.livejournal.com]

::huggs::

Poor suki. I really do feel for you and your situation and I wish that there was something I could do for you.

But..DO NOT let him stop you from going on holiday again or just going out. It sounds as if you devote most of your time to him so you need to get out every once in a while to recharge the batteries. If he can't understand that, well he'll get over it. Otherwise he'll be happy, you'll be deeply resentful, and you might end up getting to a point where you might do serious harm to either him or yourself.

Do not further reward his selfish behavior by cutting yourself off from your ties to the outside world. You will need them and the support they can offer you when the day finally comes when he is no longer around.

::huggs again::

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

~hugs tight~

Thanks so much, luv. It's always difficult situation, but it just feels so much worse when I'm going away. He did this to me quite recently when I had a weekend away. It just makes me feel that going out just isn't worth the hassel.

I do love him very much but sometimes it does get too much. The thing is, that's the time that I need to retreat, but from his pov it's the worst thing I can do.

Well, anyway, he's calmed down now and so have I. Thanks for you kind words. It means a lot

[sasha-anu.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

I can understand how you feel though. While my old situation was nowhere near as bad as yours is, my ex used to make me feel guilty about things concerning our son because his wife was being a bitch to him, which in turn made him act out on me.

Even though I was usually in the right, I would still feel bad or guilty if I did something that I thought was in the best interests of my son or inconvenienced him, until one day he pissed me off so badly that I just said screw it and decided to do my own thing and make him cater to my needs, and not his.

After that, either he decided to get a backbone or his wife decided to lay off of him because they were extremely curteous to me from that point on even though I was past the point of being anything more that curt with them.

::sigh::

I guess I just hate seeing people taking things for granted. Because for all your grandfather knows, you could actually end up going before him. I just wish that he could take more joy in the fact that you are about to do something that you greatly enjoy and keep in mind that you'll be back soon.

::huggs::

Enjoy your trip. Wish I could go but I think the job would kill me if I tried to. lol

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Wow that sounds like it was a bad situation. I'm glad things changed for you. I also had an ex that was very controlling. There is a line though, isn't there and sometimes it takes you a while to see it but it is there.

I will have a great time, thanks. I wish you could go! That would be very cool!!

[sasha-anu.livejournal.com]

Not really. He wasn't controlling so much as hypocritcal and very assuming (i.e. She doesn't go out much so if we're three hours late picking up my son then she'll still be at home. Um. Yeah. I don't think so. )

But anyway, make sure that you take plenty of pictures to post up in your journal when you get back. :)

[iadorespike]

Oh, Suki! *hugs you tight, tight, tighter* I'm so sorry that you're having to suffer through this pain - really. But I'm glad that at least you can vent here. :( I hate to think of you being alone and dealing with this. *sigh* I also think you need to be completely selfish about this and concentrate on enjoying your holiday right now. You can't change your grandad's reactions or behavior, but you owe it to yourself to allow yourself some pleasure - even if you have to deal with the fallout later. :(

Anna *squishes you*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. I know you're right and I am going to really enjoy myself. I can't wait. Just sometimes I get it into my head that I wish so much that my life was different, that I wasn't answerable to anyone but me. I feel very suffocated sometimes.

~hugs tight~

[flufshepherd.livejournal.com]

:-( *hugs* It's terrible and completely unfair that he's doing this to you. I can't offer any advice other than do not let him ruin this. Have a great time at Writercon like you deserve!

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thank you, luv.

He's just a lonely old man and In some ways I really don't blame him. But I just wish he would let me enjoy myself away from the house sometimes

[kitty-poker1.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry he's being difficult again, sweetie. He's completely unfair and selfish and you can't give up your whole life for him. You must have one of your own and if you don't insist on it you'll come to resent him more and more until you hate him. He might not be your favourite person right now, but you haven't got to that stage yet. *hugs*

I'm incredibly unprepared too. I haven't even bought a suitcase yet. *whimper* Never mind. I've printed off our itineraries and the directions to your place and we'll be just fine. We can always pick up anything we want over there. We're going to a civilised country with shops and everything!

Try to relax and not worry too much. It will be brilliant and you'll have a fabulous time and if you don't want to go on any more holidays, we can meet up occasionally for dinner and a visit to Forbidden Planet.

*loves you*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Meeep.

He's being a little bit better tonight, so that's something. Still, he tried to make me feel guilty but it's not working today. I feel much stronger. I just had a really bad day yesterday and I didn't feel particularly well. Today, I'm good, so no worries.

There will be shops?!?!?!?!? Seriously, I've only visited the States once before and it was so weird that everyone spoke English as there first language!! I know that sounds weird but I'm used to Greece or France where everyone might still speak English but there's still a barrier cos it's not their first language.

Forbidden Planet!!! You betcha!!!!

[wildannuette.livejournal.com]

*hugs* wish I was good at saying the best thing here. Just have a good time, try not to worry too much and don't let it get you down. When you get back, things will probably have sorted themselves out. *cuddles*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, hon. I'll definitely have a nice time. I'm not sure it's possible to go to Vegas and not!! Hee!!

Yeah, things will be fine. I just had a day where I couldn't handle things. I'm better now ~hugs~

[darkhavens.livejournal.com]

{{{big squishy hugs}}}

You enjoy every second of your time at writercon, darlin', you deserve it. And then come back and double squee with me. *g*

And take notes! I want all the Writercon gossip. ;)

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'll definitely have a great time. i'm really looking forward to it (even though I feel more and more terrified as we get closer to the event)

Hee! Oooh, I can't wait to come back and double squee. I get back on the Saturday morning so before I crash out I'm gonna set the 'pooter to d/l both eps. Yay!!!

~packs notebook~

[lelaina-c.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

Don't let it get you down, hon. You really deserve this holiday and to have the most wonderful time. *snuggles*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. ~hugs~

I know I'll have a great time. For a start I'll have ten days with Kitty!!!

~snuggles~

[vampirefever.livejournal.com]

Loves you loads.
*hugs*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Love you loads too ~big squishy hugs~

[reddwarf75.livejournal.com]

*hugs u tight*
Marie

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thank you ~hugs~

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

I'll just add my hugs, darlin'. Love you lots, and I hope you enjoy the Con. :-) *big hugs*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, luv ~hugs~

I know I'll have a great time. Atlanta and Vegas? how could I not? Hee!

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

Atlanta and Vegas? how could I not?

Precisely!

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I really truly am. I wish I could say something to make you feel better or offer some advice. But I can't. All I can say is, try to put it out of your mind the whole time you're over here. And we'll distract you as best we can.

*hugs*

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Oooh, yes, many distractions would be good. Like a certain film someone has made? ~g~ I'm okay now. I just had a bad day and so did grandad. We're both much better now

~hugs~ Only a few days to go!!!

[shapinglight]

I'm so sorry your grandad is giving you all this grief. I think that many old people get to the stage of not being able to see the wood for the trees most of the time, and obviously part of him must know that you really, really need a break and he's being selfish to try to prevent you. However, knowing that isn't enough to stop him acting out. My mother guilt trips me in a similar way but since I don't live with her, it's easier for me to put up with it.

I don't know what else to say except that I think you're a very courageous person to take on such a burden and part of him must know and appreciate that at some level, and of course you must have your holiday. You deserve it and I hope you'll be able to enjoy it as you should.

:Hugs:

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think he does know, but much of the time his brain can only proccess his own problems and the fact that he's getting old. He's frightened of death as most of us are and I think he thinks about it a lot. He doesn't want to live the last years of his life alone and he just can't see that he's pushing me away and achieving only the opposite of what he wants.

Thanks so much for you supportive words. I'm gonna try my best to have the best holiday possible because damn I need a break and I want to go spend some money and live a different life just for one week. That's really all I'm asking for.

~hugs~

[shapinglight]

Yeah, I think he does know, but much of the time his brain can only proccess his own problems and the fact that he's getting old.

I know what you mean. In fact, I've decided this is what is meant by 'second childhood' rather than dementia or anything like that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but I think the fact that you're enduring it shows what a wonderful, caring person you are. However, even the most caring person in the world needs a good break sometimes. I really, really hope you have a brilliant holiday and when you come back you and Ali and Kitty tell us all about it.

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

I think you're right!!! Grandad really does behave like a petulant child sometimes. I've had more of the same today. An almost tantrum. Still, he's okay now.

Thanks, luv. I promise to have a great time and I'll mail you some piccies when I get back.

[shapinglight]

I'll look forward to pics/con reports/Vegas reports - the whole Nine Yards, as they say.

Have a lovely time.